closing my eyes in order to see clearly

Yesterday I went to the hour Vinyasa class and Whitney was teaching.  I love Whitney but I don't get to her classes very often, so I was really excited!  She set the intention for the class of "letting go."  We spent some time doing hip opening which felt really good.  I definitely hold onto tension in my hips so it's always helpful to release some of that. I seriously could have stayed in class for another hour!  I'm bummed because Whitney is teaching a hip opening workshop on May 15th, but unfortunately I am going to be out of town :(

This morning at Hatha, Angie was teaching and she set the same intention of "letting go."  Maybe it was just a coincidence, but it seemed like the universe was trying to tell me something.  I was trying really hard to figure out what I was holding onto, but I couldn't come up with anything specific.  I had a random thought pass through my head that I should go through the whole class with my eyes closed.

Huh???  That's random, where did that come from?  At first I thought, "well that's silly...I'm not sure if I can actually do that...I might be falling over constantly, other people might look at me funny, people might wonder why I'm doing it, etc."  Then I realized that maybe that was exactly the point - with my eyes closed, I could look within myself and block out everything else that was going on in the room.  It occurred to me that what I needed to let go of is "judgment."  Of my own, and of other people's.  It's easy to say "oh I don't care what other people think," but the thing is...I don't even actually know what other people think.  I make up stories in my head of what I imagine others must be thinking of me, and it becomes true in my mind.  Even though it's not based on reality, it's just my perception and assumptions.

I let this fear of what others are "theoretically thinking" get to me and I totally freeze up.  For instance in tennis...Marc and I have been taking lessons the past three weeks and I keep getting frustrated because every time the teacher is watching me and I screw up!  I could hit perfectly 10 times in a row on my own, but then the teacher will come watch and I'll miss every time.  Grr - so annoying!  Why is that???  I know how to hit...but suddenly my energy shifts and I get tense/nervous/anxious as soon as he is watching.  I feel like he's judging me and in my mind I think that he is waiting for me to miss...and then I do.

Last night I was not playing well at the beginning of class and I was getting more and more frustrated.  At that point I knew I had two choices: I could get upset with myself, be annoyed through the rest of class, not learn anything, decide that I'm crap at tennis and give up completely ...or... I could choose to laugh, have fun, and be grateful that I have legs to run and arms to swing!  I took a deep breath and quit trying to "perform" for the teacher, and I just played for myself to have fun.  Within minutes, my playing improved dramatically and I actually enjoyed the rest of the class! 

Today during yoga with my eyes closed, I didn't think about other people watching me.  I didn't worry about whether I was holding a pose as long or as deep as the person next to me.  I went completely inside myself and let my inhibitions go.  I love how yoga gives me insights into other areas of my life!  I always hear instructors say that what is happening on your mat is representative of what is happening in your life...if you are resisting a pose, what are you resisting in your life?  if you are inflexible in a pose, where are you inflexible in your life?  It took closing my eyes to see clearly what is happening in my life :)