closing my eyes in order to see clearly

Yesterday I went to the hour Vinyasa class and Whitney was teaching.  I love Whitney but I don't get to her classes very often, so I was really excited!  She set the intention for the class of "letting go."  We spent some time doing hip opening which felt really good.  I definitely hold onto tension in my hips so it's always helpful to release some of that. I seriously could have stayed in class for another hour!  I'm bummed because Whitney is teaching a hip opening workshop on May 15th, but unfortunately I am going to be out of town :(

This morning at Hatha, Angie was teaching and she set the same intention of "letting go."  Maybe it was just a coincidence, but it seemed like the universe was trying to tell me something.  I was trying really hard to figure out what I was holding onto, but I couldn't come up with anything specific.  I had a random thought pass through my head that I should go through the whole class with my eyes closed.

Huh???  That's random, where did that come from?  At first I thought, "well that's silly...I'm not sure if I can actually do that...I might be falling over constantly, other people might look at me funny, people might wonder why I'm doing it, etc."  Then I realized that maybe that was exactly the point - with my eyes closed, I could look within myself and block out everything else that was going on in the room.  It occurred to me that what I needed to let go of is "judgment."  Of my own, and of other people's.  It's easy to say "oh I don't care what other people think," but the thing is...I don't even actually know what other people think.  I make up stories in my head of what I imagine others must be thinking of me, and it becomes true in my mind.  Even though it's not based on reality, it's just my perception and assumptions.

I let this fear of what others are "theoretically thinking" get to me and I totally freeze up.  For instance in tennis...Marc and I have been taking lessons the past three weeks and I keep getting frustrated because every time the teacher is watching me and I screw up!  I could hit perfectly 10 times in a row on my own, but then the teacher will come watch and I'll miss every time.  Grr - so annoying!  Why is that???  I know how to hit...but suddenly my energy shifts and I get tense/nervous/anxious as soon as he is watching.  I feel like he's judging me and in my mind I think that he is waiting for me to miss...and then I do.

Last night I was not playing well at the beginning of class and I was getting more and more frustrated.  At that point I knew I had two choices: I could get upset with myself, be annoyed through the rest of class, not learn anything, decide that I'm crap at tennis and give up completely ...or... I could choose to laugh, have fun, and be grateful that I have legs to run and arms to swing!  I took a deep breath and quit trying to "perform" for the teacher, and I just played for myself to have fun.  Within minutes, my playing improved dramatically and I actually enjoyed the rest of the class! 

Today during yoga with my eyes closed, I didn't think about other people watching me.  I didn't worry about whether I was holding a pose as long or as deep as the person next to me.  I went completely inside myself and let my inhibitions go.  I love how yoga gives me insights into other areas of my life!  I always hear instructors say that what is happening on your mat is representative of what is happening in your life...if you are resisting a pose, what are you resisting in your life?  if you are inflexible in a pose, where are you inflexible in your life?  It took closing my eyes to see clearly what is happening in my life :)

Handstand!

I did a handstand!  It was only for a second, but I'm a good 3 feet away from the wall. Now that I can do it away from the wall, I can start working on holding it longer.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zfrlL1Zrfo

Progress!

I did a handstand today!!!  It was only for a split second, but man it felt good!  I went to the 6 a.m. Hatha class and Angie was teaching.  I don't know why but I kept getting lightheaded during class.  I had plenty of water, so that wasn't the problem.  In general I eat fairly healthy, but last week I had a lot of crap.  The last couple days I've been back to healthy eating, so I'm guessing my body was just getting rid of all the toxins.

Anyway, I wasn't feel great during class, but I'm really glad I went and stuck it out because afterward I felt so much better!  Whatever was going on worked its way out of my system and I felt back to normal again.  I felt so good that I stayed after class to practice handstands.

I was practicing up against the wall again, and I got fairly consistent with being able to get up so I started experimenting with taking my feet away from the wall.  I could only hold it for a few seconds without touching the wall, but it was definitely progress.  Then twice I actually kicked up into the handstand without touching the wall at all!!!  I'm not brave enough to try it without the wall yet...I'll keep practicing until I'm more consistent and can hold it for longer...but I'm on my way :)

Last night was my second tennis lesson and thankfully it went much better than the first.  Yay, there is hope for me yet!  Marc and I practiced over the weekend, so that definitely helped.  Hopefully the weather will be nice this weekend so we can play some more.  I still have a long way to go, but I was excited that I got a few "good hit" comments from the instructor. 

The only bad thing to report is that I've been a total slacker on running this week...I haven't been for a run since Saturday.  oops!  I have two more weeks until the half marathon so at this point I'm pretty much running out of time to get ready.  Oh well - I'll still do it and run as much as I can, but I'm doubtful that I will be able to run the whole thing without walking.  Next time I will have to plan better and not give myself a yoga goal and a running goal at the same time.  Lesson learned

day 43

Today is day 43...just over two weeks left to go!  I've been working every day on my flexibility goal and I'm seeing a little improvement.  In my seated straddle forward fold I can now put my forearms all the way down on the floor, grab the bottoms of my feet, and then barely touch my forehead to the floor.  My back is somewhat rounded when I do it, so now I'm going to work on flattening out my back so that I can start to bring my chest down towards the floor.  I have been practicing a few minutes each day - I don't want to overstretch, so I'm just letting it happen naturally.  If I don't meet the goal by the end of the 60 days that's okay - I'll get there someday. 

On Saturday I spent some time practicing handstand against the wall.  I got to the point where I was kicking up using momentum and had the wall there to catch me.  Now that I know how it feels in my body to be up in the handstand, I will take it back a step and try to learn how to get up without using momentum. 

letting go of the need to be perfect

On Wednesday night Marc and I had our first tennis lesson - it was really fun! We've been playing together for fun for a couple years, but it's hard to get a real game going because I'm not as good as him. I found reasonably priced group tennis lessons through the City of Seattle Parks dept so I thought it would be perfect for us to do together!

There were seven people in our class and I definitely was the least skilled player of the group. That was rough for me because I tend to be a bit of a perfectionist so I get frustrated when I am not good at things. However I still had a lot of fun, and it's a great learning opportunity for me. It will actually work to my benefit to be around better players because I will learn from them and improve because I am with them. AND I have a chance to love and accept myself for where I am right now without judgment :)

I'm hoping it will be sunny this weekend so we can go practice. Tonight I'm going to the Restorative Yoga class and then Marc is going to pick me up so we can go play tennis.  Our class is Wednesday evenings for 6 weeks, so it will be fun to see how I improve over that time!

handstand

Yesterday I went to the 4 p.m. vinyasa class with Jennifer and she had us working on handstands.  It was interesting - I thought that since I can do a headstand that I would have an easier time learning handstand, but that was definitely not the case!  It's totally different!  I really liked the way she taught it - she broke it down into lots of different steps for preparation.  Now I feel comfortable that I can keep working on all the steps on my own. 

Today is day 37 - I'm almost two thirds of the way complete!  I'm curious to see how these last few weeks go.  It's easy for me to be excited and motivated when I first start working on a goal, but it's important to keep that spark alive all the way until the finish...and then even more critical is after the goal is achieved!  I'm going to have a life long yoga practice so even when these 60 days are complete, I will still continue going to class daily.  Yes I will miss a day here and there, but in general I want to make it part of my life to have a daily yoga practice.

Today is the day!

Today I went to the tulip festival with a few girlfriends, and then we had lunch in La Conner followed by shopping at the Outlet Mall.  We were about an hour and a half north of Seattle, and we were all in one car, so I had to rally everyone in order to get back to Seattle in time for yoga.  No easy task to tear girls away from shopping :)

Luckily I made it in time for the last class of the day!  After class I was feeling a lot of energy and I decided to stay and practice my sequence.  I was SO incredibly close, but I kept touching one foot down.  I really felt like I was on the verge of finally doing it, and I wanted to make sure I had it on video.  I rushed home and told my husband that I wanted to show him how close I was and I wanted him to record it just in case I actually got it.

The first time I touched my foot down but he didn't see, so he got super excited for me.  But I wasn't satisfied because I knew I hadn't done it yet, so I fessed up and tried again.  The second time I did it!!!  Oh my gosh - I had SO much adrenaline after this that I was literally jumping up and down!!!  I couldn't sit still for hours :)

I did it! I did it! I did it!!!
Here is the video: crow to head stand, back to crow, into chaturanga

softening

 This morning I went to the 90 minute Hatha class with Diane.  She set an intention for the class of 'softening.'  I am someone who is always striving to do my best, and sometimes I feel that the harder I work, the more difficult things become.  When I focus on softening & relaxing, I'm able to accomplish more and with greater ease.

This is especially true with stretching - you can't muscle your way into being more flexible or try to force it to happen.  I stayed after class and spent some extra time on my stretching goal - seated straddle forward fold.  I tried focusing on releasing tension in my hips and letting go of anything I was holding onto.

I found that there was an ebb & flow to my challenges.  When I was holding in the stretch, after a few moments it would become very difficult and I would want to release out of the pose.  However, when I took deep breaths and focused on relaxing rather than tensing up, the difficultly would eventually pass and it was replaced with a sense of ease.

 

After several minutes, I was able to get my forehead to touch down to the ground!  I still have a long way to go before I will be able to get my whole upper body to lie flat on the ground, but I'm definitely taking baby steps to get there.

In the afternoon I went for a 6 mile run (around Green Lake twice).  As I mentioned before, I have a mental block at the 6 mile point, so I was worried about going for the run.  I decided to go to Green Lake because it's mostly flat and it's easy enough to walk if I had to.  I ran the first 5 miles with no problem, and then I could physically feel my body start to tense up.  I started feeling some pain in my knees, but I had a feeling that it was because of what was going on in my mind.  I was so worried that I was going to have pain, that my body was responding by tensing up, which then caused me to start having pain.  I noticed that the more I focused on the pain, the stronger it felt!

I stopped running and took a few deep breaths.  I thought about what we worked on in yoga this morning - softening!  I focused my thoughts on relaxing my muscles and releasing any tension I had going on in my body.  After a few moments I began running again and I was able to run the whole last mile without any more pain!  I'm so excited that I was able to work through it - I now have more confidence that I will be able to run farther.  I'm not fully convinced...there is still part of me that is hesitant, but at least I feel like I am moving in a positive direction.

the impact of yoga on running

I got a 5 mile run in and it felt really good.  I think yoga really helps my body with running!  This will be my second time running a half marathon - the first time was in June 2008.  I ran the first 6 miles with no problems, but then I started having really bad knee pain after that.  I had to do a combination of jogging/walking to finish the rest of the event.  I was SO disappointed!  Even though I finished, I felt so defeated that I wasn't able to do better...it felt like it didn't even really count.  After that, anytime I ran more than 3 miles I would start to have knee pain again. 

It was really frustrating because I'm way to young to be having knee pain!  I went to a physical therapist who helped a little bit, and then I started going to a chiropractor who helped a bit more...but I really think yoga is working wonders for me.  The increase in flexibility and lengthening of muscles really seems to make my body feel better.  I'm going to do a longer run tomorrow, so we'll see...hopefully I won't be eating my words.

Speaking of words...I'm reading a book called "What to say when you talk to yourself."  The title makes it sound a little self help-ish, but I actually like the way the book is written.  It's all about changing the internal dialogue in your head to be more positive.  Even though I consider myself to be a positive person in general, I can be pretty hard on myself in my own head.  This morning I read this:  "It makes no difference what you have thought or what you have done in the past.  From this day on, you can, if you choose, change a little to gain a lot."

I've been stuck thinking a lot about what happened the last time I ran a half marathon and it's been scaring me thinking "what if that happens again?"  It's been limiting my training because I'm afraid to run more than 6 miles because I'm worried that I will have knee pain again, and I won't be able to complete my goal.  However that was two years ago - it has nothing to do with what is happening right now.  I need to get over those thoughts and focus on what my body is capable of today, not in the past.

the half way point!!!

Woo hoo!  I made it to the half way point!  Yesterday was day number 30 of 60.  I'm feeling great and I'm looking forward to the next 30 days :)  I've decided to add a stretching/flexibility goal.  When I started yoga a year and a half ago, I was so inflexible that I couldn't even touch my toes.  Now I can wrap my hands around the bottom of my foot and touch my face to my shin!  Right now I can put my forearms on the ground in a seated straddle fold, and my new goal is to be able to lay my body onto the ground.

Getting to the half way point has got me thinking about this question:  Are your commitments optional?  The other day my husband asked me if I was going to go to yoga.  I laughed and asked him if he was joking.  Of course I was going to go - I go every day.  I don't debate each day whether or not I am going to go, I just do it.  I made a commitment for 60 days and that's what I am going to do - there's no optional part about it for me.

Similarly, yesterday a coworker asked me how the 60 days are going so far and she asked if I thought I was going to be able to keep it up.  Again, I haven't even really considered the option of not finishing.  It made me think about when people say they don't have the will power to do something.  For me, the problem with that kind of thinking is that you are giving yourself the option to bail out on your commitment.

There are plenty of things we do every day, that sometimes we don't want to do, but we do them anyway.  Like work for example: I have a commitment to go to work every day.  Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I don't feel like going, but I do it anyway.  It's not an option in my mind that I debate whether or not to do it - I just go because that's what I have committed to doing.  So why should it be different in other areas of our lives?

It takes so much more energy to debate in your mind over something.  I can come up with a million excuses why not to go to yoga:  I'm tired, I was up late, I didn't sleep well, I don't have time, something came up, it's not convenient, etc.  Those things will always be there, but they don't stop me from my other commitments.  I don't say to my boss, "I'm sorry, I'm not coming into work today because I have other things to get done and it's just that that convenient for me."  No - I prioritize my day and arrange to get other things done after I have fulfilled my commitment to go to work.  The same is true for my yoga - so yes, I am definitely going to make it through the next 30 days, no doubt about it!

squeezing in a run

I started running last week, but then I got sidetracked when my brother came to town for a few days.  I didn't have time to run & go to yoga because I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could.  No worries, I'm back on track now.  Today I ran to and from yoga so that I could get both in during my lunch break (because I have someplace to go after work).  It was only 2.5 miles but it felt good.  It's a little tough running downtown because of all the stop lights.  I ended up going back and forth across the street or turning and running down different streets to keep moving.  When I did get stuck at a couple of lights, I did heel raises to work out my calves. 

I had a nice yoga class - it was Hatha with Diane.  I love the sound of Diane's voice - there's just something about it that puts me instantly at ease when I listen to her.  Before class I practiced coming out of headstand back into crow - I actually did it twice without putting my feet down!  I also did two headstands during class.  Woo hoo!!!  It's finally starting to become less scary and more fun because I'm gaining confidence each time I do it. 

snow in April?

The weather has been so crazy this week!  Just when I thought the ski season was over, Stevens Pass got a TON of snow.  It feels more like Christmas than Easter!  Marc and I went up skiing and then hurried back to town so that I could make the last yoga class for the day.  It was an hour Vinyasa class with Jo who thought it would be fun to make us do a ton of sit-ups, ha ha :)  Grueling, but I'll thank her when bikini season comes around!

Before class I practiced coming out of head stand back into crow.  That's the connecting point that I need to master before I can put my sequence together: crow to head stand, back to crow, shoot back to chaturanga.  Man, it takes a lot of strength to lift back up - my arms were exhausted!  After class I mentioned to Jo what I was working on and she said it takes a lot of core strength.  hmm...maybe I'm focused on the wrong muscles.  I was trying to force it with my arms - maybe I need to think about my core instead.  I'll try it tomorrow...for now my arms are noodles.

Restorative yoga

On Friday evenings there is a restorative yoga class that I love!  My friend, Karen, who came last week loved it too, and now she is going to come every Friday!!!  My husband, Marc, came too - he likes that class better than any of the other classes.  I wish it was offered more than once a week.  It's a softer, more relaxed class that focuses on stretching and stress reduction.  Perfect for a Friday afternoon before the weekend.

I love the teacher - Jennifer.  Throughout the year she does yoga retreats at Whidbey Island and down in Mexico.  Sometime I would love to go to one of them!  This fall she's doing a retreat in Bali for the first time.  That would be SO incredible!!!  If anyone wants to sponsor me, I would love to go :)